How To Exchange a Damaged SF Fast Pass

First things first: Don't wash and dry your Fast Pass. They aren't meant for washers and dryers, the water and high heat causes them to become mangled and faded and illegible. If you do, however, inadvertently wash and dry your Fast Pass, here are the steps you take in order to exchange your Fast Pass for a new one.

1. Gather up the crumpled pieces of your Fast Pass and put them in a plastic baggie, so as to keep them all in one place.
2. Show the bus driver your baggie full of Fast Pass pieces and tell him what happened the night before. Have him wave you on, because that is more than most people show when boarding the 14.
3. Arrive at the 24th St. BART station and show the station agent your mess of a card. She will shake her head, and tell you to come on through the emergency gate, but to be sure you get that Fast Pass exchanged. Tell her you will, then ask her where you should do that. Listen as she tells you the Montgomery BART station.
4. Go to work, because you are already running late, and plan to deal with the exchange on your lunch break.
5. Take shredded Fast Pass to Montgomery BART and find the Fast Pass booth manned by two people. One of whom will laugh as you approach with your baggie of scraps.  This is the person who will tell you that, even though you took a Fast Pass to her that was mangled in a BART turn style last month that looked very similar to this one, she cannot exchange it for you there.
6. Ask why.
7. Listen as she tells you she "just can't," and that you'll need to go to Market and Van Ness to the Bank of America building.
8. Wonder why the hell BofA has new Fast Passes.
9. Also wonder why if she has a fresh stack of Fast Passes sitting in front of her, and can see your mangled Fast Pass in your hand, she won't just hand you a freaking September Fast Pass.
10. Check your watch and see that you don't have time to go to Market and Van Ness.
11. Head toward the station agent with your mangled Fast Pass so you can get through the emergency gate to get back to the Embarcadero Station, and have her tell you that you can exchange the messed up card at that very station.
12. Explain to her what you were just told, and then listen as she says, "I wonder why they won't give you another one here."



13. Marvel as her colleague expresses the same bewilderment.
14. Ask if they can override the decision by the booth staffer, only to be told no.
15. Stomp back to work, hour wasted.
16. Get up early the next morning and take a 14-L to Market and Van Ness. Take in the sickening smell of McDonalds breakfast sandwiches being chewed to your right, and watch a woman brush her dog, hair flying everywhere.
17. Get off two stops too late, because you never, ever have to go to Market and Van Ness, and so you overshoot your destination by a large margin.
18. Backtrack.
19. Arrive at SFMTA office, and walk through metal detector.
20. Figure out that you have to get a number to be seen, then determine that that window is window number 8.
21. Stand in line at window number 8 and get a number.
22. Wait.
23. After being called, take your mangled Fast Pass to a women behind the counter who grimaces at your shredded card, then says, "She'll see."
24. Stand there trying not scream, "Oh, there is nothing to see about! You WILL give me a Fast Pass, as you can see I have purchased one, and I have been all over this city trying to get a new one!"
25. Wait some more.
26. Fill out paperwork.
27. Stand in awe as you are finally handed your new, crisp Fast Pass.
28. Take the J to work.
29. Sigh deeply as you see a fare inspector on your train car.
30. Raise your Fast Pass triumphantly in the air for all to see.

Comments

[Ian]

On the one hand this experience sucks, on the other hand I'm glad it happened because I got to read this awesomeness.