Buried Season
Pie for Happy

The Problems with a Banana

Bananas are gross, everybody. It's clear not everyone agrees, because I see you shoving those disgusting fruit tubes into your mouths on the train, in the meeting, even feeding it to your unsuspecting children who are too weak to defend themselves. They sneak themselves into fruit salads and can't stand not to have a starring role in a smoothie. They're everywhere. They show up in ice cream, despite never having gotten an invitation to the dessert party. They ruin pancakes. They make you pull vanilla wafers off of them when they show up in the guise of pudding.

Bananas are vile. Bananas are the most boorish of all the fruits. 

Let's start with the smell. Actually, let's don't, because just thinking of it is causing me to gag. Instead, let's go with the texture, which is the banana's biggest flaw. It's somehow both fiberous and gelatinous at the same time! It's an awful and embarrassing tango that revulses the tongue. It's squishy. And hairy. There are little banana hairs on it, people.

Hate-is-a-very-strong-word-dont-forget-that-3And yet you eat them with consistent relish. You keep one in your bag, bouncing around, ready to stink up the nearest study hall. You wait until they brown and then adulterate one of the best things in life: bread. There are banana festivals and banana forums and a banana museum. 

Thing is, I've been burned by bananas so many times. I have wanted to like them. I have gone back and given them so many chances. I admit, they can be comely. But more than that they are utilitarian. They have their own handy protective jacket that you can shed in even, easy strips. That does seem satisfying. But even one bit of banana near my nose or mouth causes my throat to close up. I can't do it. 

I had a similar gripe with raisins, but have recently come around to them. My palate has, like most everyone's, become more accepting and sophisticated over time. But I'll never like a banana. I would most certainly vote the banana off of the fruit island. In fact, it has a lot of nerve calling itself a fruit. Try an abomination

In summary: bananas are the worst. Down with bananas. 

[image credit: cocoa likes this!]


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We get it. You hate bananas. It's as plantain as the nose on your face.

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