I am learning that my self-loathing is selfish. That first sentence initially had a parenthetical. It said (too slowly) after the word learning. I took it out. My learning is not too slow. Even in writing that my self-loathing is selfish I put myself down. Hating yourself is a hard habit to break.
But it's true: my self-loathing is selfish. It is also a marshy foundation on which nothing substantial can grow. Weeds that strangle can grow there. Suspicion and doubt and isolation can grow there. But it's hard for the good things to take root.
Dismantling the mind you've had all your life and seeing what shakes out is a painful process, but it's mandatory when you've spent 37 years telling yourself how unlovable and disgusting and unworthy you are. And what I'm noticing is how selfish my self-loathing is.
I want to love myself for me because I deserve it, but if ending my self-hatred because it results in hurt for others due to thoughtlessness, then so be it. The way out is through.