Sparkwood & 21

Things I Ate Last Night

Things I Ate Last Night That Would Have Shocked My Parents Had You Told Them This 25 Years Ago

• duck liver pate
• blood sausage
• cured tuna heart
• chicories
• lardo
• poached duck egg
• wilted grass
• birdseed

Favorite Moments of the Day So Far

• Being greeted by the man who sells apples and packages of chips with the most earnest "good morning" imaginable.  He wishes passersby good morning like it is his job--a job he loves and has wanted his whole life.
• Woken by a kiss from a cat, who managed not to knock off my water glass from the bedside table in the night.
• Lunch.
• Listening to the ladies in the office (including me) turn down walnut fudge only to have another colleauge yell, "BRING THAT SHIT OVER HERE."
• My boss asking, "Could we get a sighting of a UFO going over the fiscal cliff?" [I have no idea.]
• When ordering a "skinny vanilla latte without a lot of syrup," the Starbucks barista responded, "No worries. I'm a two pump chump."

Some Things That Happened Today

• I walked to the AT&T store at 20th and Mission to have a generously-loaned iPhone 3GS activated after my iPhone 4 was ripped out of my very hands. The man at the store gets a big, ol' gold star for being that nicest, most helpful customer service represenative in the business. Not only did he get me all set up and running he changed my plan thereby saving me $20 a month. Thumbs up for that guy. 
• Three shots of espresso, just not at the same time. I went to Ritual and had a single-origin Kenyan espresso. I didn't notice any chrsyanthemum armoas or a gummy candy finish, but it was extraordinary. 
• A guy walked in on me while using the facilities in the unisex bathroom at Ritual. I turned the lock, but it didn't latch. At least two people saw me peeing. I walked out of there with my head high, but wanted to hide in that public restroom forever.
• Arranged a job interview.
• Bought a tiny gift.

• Picked up two books from free books bin outside of Dog Eared Books: The World's Shortest Stories (a collection of 55-word stories) and Elmore Leonard's Rum Punch. Free books make me happy like rainbows and red wine. We're talking immense joy.
• Was made to bleed by a cat.
• I wished for stamps to be made available for purchase at all (or most) ATMs. Someone should make this happen.

Stuff! Things! A List!

• Squash Blossoms in the Hallway is the new front runner for the name of my first (ha!) novel. Today my boss asked the sous chef, "Why are there squash blossoms in the hallway?" and the words just sounded so great together--squash blossoms in the hallway--that I can't stop thinking about them. Especially since the answer is "because there are bees in them."
• Twitter changed its bird logo and wrote a whole blog post about why, and I appreciate both the change and the explanation, but the fact that this exist already makes me laugh so hard.
• Gossip Girl is goddamned ridiculous. 
• Are you following me on Twitter? You should be following me on Twitter.
• Today I waited on two ladies, one of whom asked me at the end of the meal: "Are you from here?" I told her I'd been in the Bay Area around three years. She said, "I can tell. You are too sweet to be from the Bay Area. Never lose that." 
• Hilarious. I'm sorry I didn't text this.
• At work, there's a dish with pig ear in it. Every single day people ask me: "What is pig ear?"
• I went to the park:

Things I Will Miss About San Francisco

• Palm trees
• Street art, Mission-style
• Mission-style burritos
• The Pacific
• Bi-Rite's salted caramel ice cream
• Street cars, rail lines and rail cars
• The tangle of overheard wires
• The chime of the bells on Powell Street
• The fucking Ferry Building
• Pulse-increasing hill cresting cab rides
• Unexpectedly seeing the ocean or the bay
• Cheaper rent (ha)
• The laid backedness
• Dolores Park
• The Golden Gate Bridge popping into view as you pop over a ridge
• Incredible views from high atop the hills
• Bay windows
• Victorian houses
• Houses painted three shades of purple
• Driving over the Bay Bridge (it took me a while to not be terrified of this, but now I love it)
• The big rainbow flag in the Castro
• The Castro Theatre
• Water dogs at Crissy Field
• Anything goes
• Pier walks
• Sunset on Market Street
• Vesuvio's
• The romance of approaching fog

*People are not things.

Things I Learned About San Francisco While My Family and Friend Were Here

• You pretty much don't have to pay to ride the cable car if it is crowded, and you didn't get on at the turnaround or Ghiradelli Square
• We are not weather wimps! It's as cold and windy and bone-chilling as we all say it is.
• The Tonga Room will fuck you up. And your mama, too.
• Don't go to The Top of the Mark for breakfast a) hungover b) without a wad of cash c) without a camera. The view is phenomenal, and so is that brunch buffet (with dim sum!)
• The Mark Hopkins Intercontinental is a very swanky and clean and quiet hotel with windows that open onto a gorgeous city skyline, and it's very reasonably priced. For what you get I'd say it is a steal.
• Many tourists--way too many--never see more than Union Square, Fisherman's Wharf, the Ferry Building, Chinatown and/or North Beach. There is just so much to see and do in San Francisco, and because other people who visited tell up-and-coming visitors all the best things to do, one local's recommendations cannot overcome the power of grand tales of the sea lions. Which are pretty damn cute.
• It can be hard to find what my mom calls "normal food," and find variety. That said, we ate some stellar French, Italian, American and seafood. Everyone seemed to leave with pleased palettes. 
• Traveling in packs of five or six makes it very hard to cab anywhere, and twice as expensive.
• The City does not have a large number of men that appeal to my single sister and our friend Emily, both of whom brought their A game.
• Breakfast places open unusually late. At least a lot of them.
• The ladies who work at Miette are always so nice. This visit cemented that.
• They don't have sweet tea.
• Holy crap, am I going to miss it something fierce.

Shitty Songs That Have Played at this Coffee Shop So Far

• "Baby, Baby" - Amy Grant
• "Desperado" - Eagles
• "Straight Up" - Paula Abdul
• "More than Words" - Extreme (On a church youth trip to Panama City Beach, I sang this song to a bunch of stranger boys around a campfire. They applauded after. True story.)
• "I Will Always Love You" - Whitney Houston (If it had been Dolly, it would not be on this list.)
• "Endless Love" - Luther Vandross and Mariah Carey (I sang this with my HS boyfriend in a talent show. We won. Did I mention I used to think myself a singer?)
• "Footloose" - Kenny Loggins (I waited on him once. He was wearing a lot of makeup, and asked to be seated facing the wall so he would not be noticed.)
• "Even the Nights are Better" - Air Supply
• "The Game of Love" - Santana with Michelle Branch

Seven Reasons You Should Never, Ever Bank with SunTrust

1. Complete and Utter Incompetence

I called the other night to ask a question and to order a new check card and the call took 29 minutes, and I was put on hold 7 times. I asked that the check card be expedited, paid extra to have that done, but was told I had to sign for an expedited card. Took a personal day so that I could be here to get it. Called SunTrust to get the tracking number, as I was told to do by another employee. First woman gave me a tracking number that I suppose she pulled out of her ass, because it did not exist. Called a second time and was transferred to Hartford, a third party company, who could not help me because they only deal with credit cards. Not debit cards. Hung up, called a third time to be told that only one person in all the SunTrustLand had the tracking number, and "she isn't at her desk right now." After asking if that was a joke, I was transferred to a supervisor who then informed me that the check card was sent regular mail. I had taken the day off for nothing. He then told me the card would arrive on Monday, but that he made a note that I wouldn't have to sign for it, which was an option I was told was impossible just days earlier.

This is just one story out of a handful. Trust me on this: if there is a way fuck it up, SunTrust will do so with gusto.

2. Antiquated web banking

You cannot transfer money from your checking account to someone else's, even if you have the routing numbers for both. Any bank will allow you to do this. Not SunTrust.

3. Phone operators lazy/ignorant

If you call, expect to be put on hold around six or seven times. You will talk to at least two people, if not a completely third party company who will then tell you that they don't deal with your issue, and that you were put through to them unnecessarily.

4. Lack of communication throughout company

Just because one person tells you something, doesn't mean they made a note or told anyone else. It's as if everyone is working independent of each other. No cohesive information across the system whatsoever. Your outcome will depend on who you talk to and what they know. Which very well might be nothing.

5. Liars

I have thrice been told I would receive something in the mail that I'd requested only to find out the order was never placed. Like, at all.

6. Their Ability to Suck is Wide-Reaching

I am not the only one who has suffered: http://www.suntrustbankingsucks.com/

7. Arrogance

They say they are sorry. But they are not sorry. If they were sorry they would improve. They would strive for excellence. Instead they are just as happy to pass you off to someone ELSE who doesn't have a clue. 

Breaking up with your bank can be really, really hard. SunTrust knows this. They must, otherwise they would actually give a shit about what they do. Instead, they act as though they are dealing with fake Monopoly money and that this is not people's livelihoods we are talking about here.

The number of times I have been screwed by these people can only be blamed on me, for putting up with it for so long, but rest assured that you should never, ever open up a banking account with SunTrust, or woe be unto you. You will suffer, and suffer mightily. And wait on hold. And be lied to. And take days off for no fucking reason. And generally stew in SunTrust's unabashed disrespect for their customers.

Avoid SunTrust if you don't like headaches, unfair fees, blistering ignorance or rampant incompetence in your life. 

Credit union, credit union, credit union.

Things That Happened Today

• I woke up to a dead iPhone. White screen, phantom behavior, wouldn't even turn off. Then, for no reason I could discern, it suddenly went right back to normal. Just works?
• Walked to work and back--some 24+blocks plus two bus rides and two train rides--in high heels. I have been working up to this day for a long time. It still counts even though the high heels were Naturalizers.
• I missed the morning story meeting.
• Got the granola and yogurt and fig parfait even though I swore I wouldn't buy breakfast.
• Learned I made a really stupid mistake.
• Screwed up the CBS 5 Twitter account, badly, twice.
• Went to Safeway and bought a single stamp.
• Decided to take it easy on me for a few days.
• After work I went to a hotel bar where the offer awesome cocktails during happy hour for an affordable price. About twice a month I stop in, alone or with Ian or Lisey. Tonight, just me. An older gentleman next to me chatted with me about my iPhone. He was persistent with the chatter, so I turned off my phone and had a conversation. He bought my drink; insisted. He was in town on business, and when I asked what that was he said, "Today it was firing a CEO and a Board Director." When I told him what I did he said he would buy me a newspaper. Not all directly like that, but in many, many more words. He also let me know he had built many casinos. I had the one drink, declined an offer for dinner, and walked to the train to go home. 
• I had bacon for dinner. An egg, too, but mostly bacon.

What I Saw on the Way

This morning I walked out the door, late, and down the sloping hill to look for a bus. Instead I found my boyfriend. Running in to him at a bus stop unexpectedly is like going to work and finding your desk covered with cupcakes. With pink sprinkles.

After a ride six blocks, I left him on the bus, and boarded a BART train. I watched a woman French braid her own hair, something I have never even been able to do to anyone else, much less myself. A young boy with a European accent I couldn't place explained to another young boy what Berkeley was like: "Young students, people in flowing clothes, revolutionaries and poets, bums."

After exiting the train car I swooped around a mother and her three children who were all holding hands, walking four abreast. I was too irritated by their blocking of pedestrian traffic and toddler-pace that I failed to find it cute. Even though it was.

At Pine and Front a cop car screamed up, slid to a stop, and an officer climbed out. A man in the middle of the intersection pointed to the northeast corner, where I finally saw what the police were there for. A woman, screaming, her legs maybe broken, or, just, somehow not near her, in a lump in the street. Officers attempted to pull her out of the road. Her face was twisted, and she howled. My walk light turned white, and I had to go. Attempts to look back on the scene were obscured by hurried pedestrians and darting cars.

A man told me he liked my coat.

I arrived a good half hour behind schedule.

UPDATE: This comment from the very boyfriend I ran into this morning deserves front page status:

I’m glad that you wrote this because after you got off the bus, I had an amazing rest of my trip.

First, I get a seat and sit with my crutches in front of me. As you know, it was a crowded bus. As the middle-aged man in the aisle did not know, my crutches are not a reliable thing to hold on to. The bus pulled away and he nearly fell over as my crutches and I were unprepared to bear his weight.

Then, the larger gentlemen next to me starts complaining about something I don’t understand, and appears to be talking to me. Finally I get it: something smells like garlic and he is displeased. “I don’t mind it, garlic,” he says, “but not first thing in the morning!”

A few stops later a cane-wielding middle aged black guy and an elderly Hispanic woman are both aiming for the one remaining seat in the front of the bus. He asks if she’s going to sit there, and she replies (in Spanish) “I am going to sit there, but I am in pain and moving slowly.” He sits down and says to her, “This is America, lady. I don’t speak Spanish. Here in America, we speak English! Am I right?”

A few moments later my garlic-obsessed friend leans over and says “Spanish is our second language, isn’t it?” I nod in non-official agreement.

Same friend has a buddy named Charles a few seats over. At 7th and Mission, they stand up and exclaim “Heading off! Out of the way please!” as they move towards the front of the bus. When people aren’t moving out of their way (both Charles and my friend are large gentlemen), my pal starts shouting “Let us offboard and then you all can board. Are you too stupid to understand that?”

One of the boarders in question, clearly with a better grasp of Muni etiquette, states loudly “Are you too stupid to get off in the back?” To which guy replies “We’re elderly! We get off in the front!” and she replies “Y’all ain’t elderly, y’all is just high.” Good times. I was laughing. Neither Charles nor my garlic-in-the-morning-loathing compatriot appeared to be much older than 50 or so.

I love the 14, particularly the 14L.