To be perfectly honest, I feel like I am boring the shit out of you people.
When I open up this weblog I am often surprised out how long it has been since I last posted. And what unimaginative, uninspired pieces of turds those posts are. I've lost my camera so there are no new pictures to share. Work is not at all fulfilling, but is entirely easy and fun and sometimes I can't believe my good fortune that most people are really nice and generous. The summer months have been really slow, but even still I make good money for the amount of time I am actually there. When the Vandy kids and their professors and maids and shit are back in session I may actually be scheduled full-time.
And so, since the people I wait on now are totally civilized for the most part and don't bother me too much and are loose with their excessive dough I have very little to complain about in that arena. No hilarious tales of homophobic hillbillies and their penchant for mass quantities of sweet tea. No juicy gossip to share since I now work with a bunch of mid-20s aged girls who do not sleep with each other and get wasted every night. Okay, they get wasted, but they choose scotch over Jagerbombs. Everyone is kind to each other where I work, save for the occasional grumpy comment about someone slacking. There is remarkably little cattiness and rivalry; instead we all share clothes and color each others' hair and help pay for a certain waitress' very large vet bill after her puppy accidentally ate rat poison. It's all so NICE. AND TOTALLY BORING.
I'm completely, 100,000% in love with my boyfriend whom I actually feel blessed to have every day. And, I hate the word "blessed." Finally after mindlessly drifting from wrong guy to wronger guy, this perfect specimen of a human being fell into my lap out of nowhere. I've never felt more safe. Or calm. Or totally adored and respected by anyone. There are snags and fights and tears, but our most noble effort is our drive to understand each other. Every mean word or silent treatment is resolved at break-neck speed, because we both desperately want to make this work. And last. It's been hard, but it's also been really easy. I wonder if you know what I mean.
Anyway, all of that: BORING. I don't feel compelled to blog what, to me, is the world's greatest romance, because it's sort of private. And I don't want to be Sappy, Rubbing-It-In-Girl. Ya know, "nyah-nyah, look at me, how BLISSFUL I am."
Socially, I feel really isolated. I am still allowing my fear of people (I get really wigged out at parties, social gatherings and at bars. Unless I'm with people I am very close with.) to stand in the way of creating real friendships. Besides my sister, I have just one or two close friends, those of whom I have withdrawn from. I'm scared of getting close to people--I've untapped a serious trust issue within me--but I'm finding I desperately long for those substantial connections I'm lacking. Despite what my gut keeps telling me. This admission is a sort of apology to the people who've written or called whom I've completely ignored. It's not that I don't like you; I'm just scared of you.
Anyway, I wanted you to know that I know that my blog has been sucking lately. I promise to try to go out and do things and be around people, so that I can actually have experiences instead of imagining them from my couch.