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August 12, 2004


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My wife and I have been taking introductory Zen classes at a local Zen center. It's minus all the religion BS that I'm sure would cause me to dislike it. The classes are showing us what zazen is all about ("sitting," as opposed to "meditating"), how to break down our various intellectual "voices" to be addressed one on one (i.e. the "controller," the "seeker," the "big mind" or "no mind," etc.), and most of all, how to LET GO.

It's amazing how much letting go can free a person. One of the main goals on the way to achieving "buddha" - (s)he who sees things as they really are - is to let go of projections that we put on people. If you were in my class, odds are good you'd be told by my Roshi that you're not really afraid of other people, you're afraid of the preconceptions you project on those people. For instance, you may have a preconceived idea that they're all negatively judging you or are irked by your boring blog entries (not true, BTW, they're still great) and even though it's probably 100% off base you'll allow yourself to fear them for those preconceptions. Letting go and trying to see and accept people as they are - not as you want them to be or as you imagine they currently are - is the only way to get past that.

I recall you mentioned quite some time ago on David Lynch's web site that you were curious about transcendental meditation. I don't know that it's the same thing, but who knows. Zen stuff is thousands of dollars cheaper. Maybe you have a local Zen center that you could chat with. When you're bored, that is.

(I have a long way to go before I fully "get" this Zen stuff, but what I've learned so far has been making sense. It's something to think about if nothing else...)

I think we're all a little afraid of people -- I know for myself, it's 100% true that if I think someone is negatively judging me -- I'll not only instantly hate that person, but I'll also bottle myself up, and be afraid of that person, and just bottle myself up completely, turn to quiet.

I know that I also have a fear of people -- and I think that this post just helped me to realize that. I'm not a loser, I can get girlfriends -- but when I'm quiet, new people don't talk to me -- only my friends do.

Anyways, it's ironic you should write this post today -- just yesterday I linked to your blog because I thought that your posts were great -- I
ve only linked to three other blogs -- and that's out of all of those other 'famous' blogs, too.

Hello sweetheart, it is your one friend/sister whom you have not alienated, that is probably on b/c I don't or won't allow you to and b/c I understand completely what you are saying.

Like thinking about going back to college makes me so nervous, but is only because I am afraid the "new people" will judge me. I just have to keep reminding myself to remember that they a. probably feel the same way; or that b. fuck them who cares what they think, i'm the shit dog!

I love you Brittney, you are not boring, you are the most interesting person I know, and that includes your blog baby girlfriend.

Love, your sister

eh Girl, be proud of your happiness and blog it away, if you feel like it, or something. well that's at least how i feel.

Perhaps your subconscious fear of interacting with others stems from the fact that...
.... wait, did you just imply that the girls at Outback slept with each other?


Oh, wow.

There is always Lebowski.

No, not the girls specifically. But the boys with the girls. Only sometimes did the girls do it with the girls.

Mental Note: Get a job at Outback.

Wow! We are so much alike and going through the same situation! But keep it coming!!! I enjoy your writing and even though I used to write a long long time ago I get inspired when I read your stories. Just keep it coming!

uninspired pieces of turds

I think "pieces of turd" sounds much better. Like "pieces of eight". It's also suggestive of the idea that there is in fact only one "master turd" and all turds are but a piece of this great One Turd.

Turd is such a great word. I'm pleased to see it making a comeback.

Inspiration is like great sex. When it comes, it comes hard and...wow this doesn't sound right...Geez am i so perverted that i write in double entendre even when i don't intend to? See, now you've made me wanna go back and rethink my life. Huh. Well anyways, about your blog, i think its great and i'm always telling my peeps to check it out. As for your fear of people, ignore it. Be trusting to a fault. Stay naive and smile a lot. It makes life so much easier, and it disarms people like you wouldn't believe. If you for some reason think you can't be naive, then you're doing something wrong because no matter how much we all think we know, we all don't know a damn thing about anything. :)

Oh yeah and please expound on the whole Outback/Lesbian connection. I have a penchant for experimental 20ish females. I'm um, writing my thesis on the subject, yeah.

It's cool. We love you the way you are. You're a great writer and we love reading the little tidbits of your life that you offer up to us. Thanks again ;)

If you ever feel like hooking up with the wrong guy again I have Thursdays off

Interesting that you feel like you are boring us, Brit. I have not even been able to do an entry in my blog for the past 1.5 months, because my tower died, so I needed a whole new computer just to get hooked up to the net. But when I have been tending to my blog, I notice my entries are only about a third as long as yours. I think you're a lot less inhibited than me. You do a really, really nice job of turning the mundane aspects of your life into an interesting entry. Me, I have trouble disclosing everything, I think for the same reason. That it would be construed as boring.

But you know what? I reckon the best blogs out there are blogs by folks that just don't care. "This is my life. Take it or leave it."

I'll take yours. You're quite a thinker.

I hate to say it but yes you are boring me to death but I do not mind it at all - life is like a letter from the easter bunny

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