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April 05, 2005

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This was the case Sunday when I waited on a couple celebrating their 59th wedding anniversary.

Actually, this summer my nonna and nonno are celebrating their 60th anniversary. However, family lore has it that they married for land.

I think another secret to a good marriage is not allowing your world to shrink.

The most miserable couples I know are couples whose worlds have been reduced to the size of peas. A common scenario that I've encountered is a housewife who in a self-imposed prison at home with kids, coupled with a husband who pours himself into his work too much. She calls him 20 times a day because she's become co-dependent , he bitches at her for being co-dependent and then pours himself into work even more. In Utah, this scenario plays itself out way too much, and it's completely unnecessary. I also know housewives who work hard to remain social while taking care of kids (not an easy task) and husbands who willingly leave work behind at 5pm and go home to be with their families.

The only thing I can attribute to this is that both parties have not let their worlds shrink. Each has his/her own time to do his/her own thing without the other around. And going back to the "chit chat" stuff the old folks told you about, it's much easier to "chit chat" when there are things to "chit chat" about. Talk to anyone who never leaves their house or who works too much and you won't get much quality out of the discussion. Mostly, it'll be bitching and moaning over the minutia of what happened that day with plenty of melodrama thrown in for effect.

My wife is an engineer and is pursuing an MBA. I'm a graphic and web designer (sort of) while I pursue my BFA. We both do things that extend beyond our marriage. I know at least from my perspective that helps quite a bit. We've been happily married for almost six years and there are no signs that love is fading.

yea that old guy is right
15 yrs married here

cute story...I think the secret to a happy marriage is each person having their own bedroom and bathroom. I know I personally need a place to call my own...a place to retire to...that I could decorate MY way. I mean, she's welcome to come over whenever. She can even spend the night so long as she doesn't leave her stuff lying around. Pillow talk is for the birds anyways...thats the stuff that makes you feel the stupidest when things don't work out.

WHOR-actually that was very touching and awfully sweet

Wow! That story just about made me cry! I totally know how you feel when it comes to trust. Even though I grew up never once seeing my parents argue and knowing they are truly in love, I still have a problem with trust. Not sure where it comes from. But, like you, my fiance proves to me every day that there are actually good men out there that will be faithful and love you for everything that you are until the end of time! I also agree with the chit chat thing. I believe you have to be great friends to make it last a life time and be comfortable talking about nothing or saying nothing at all.

I think trust issues spring from maternal instinct.

a woman is in the most vunerable part her whole life when she is 9 months pregnantand right after baby is born.
She could be pushed over and drop the baby with serious
conciquences. She need her mate to be there. For better or worse.

Baby rearing is a 24 hour a day 7 day a week job. ultimately she needs to know someone is going to be there to help and defend her and her baby.
so trust is paramount. She can't be worring about weather her man is gonna stay when a baby is hungry in the middle of the night. That is where romantic love falls short
nobody loves anybody after a year a sleepless nights and changing diapers, it just not fun at all. But it is nessessary. and it takes two people to do it right. even if the dad is not there changing diapers, the support still needs to be there, (money, resources,etc.)

babies are hard work but so worth it.

so can a girl trust this guy? she really needs to know

I'm not quite sure I get your point bartenational.

I've known plenty of people who have "done it on their own" and did a much better job w/out the childs other parent.

I think that trust issues stem from many different types of situations and are different w/ each individual person. What matters is that you take the steps to better yourself, for the sake of your your relationship and your sanity.

I have nothing to add, but that was a really good post.

re:muss

at the very least you have to admit, it is easier to have two people committed to raising a baby than one.

I know some people are destructive and can tear down a family, but if the other person is a good person (male or female) it is easier to raise a kid with two than one.

my grandparents celebrated their 60th Anniversary on June 21, 2004. I can't imagine what its like to spend an entire lifetime with somebody but their happiness together was so evident to everyone around them. And whenever they went anywhere together they held hands and it was the cutest thing ever. we should all be so lucky.

Well, after 5 months of happy marriage, I'm not going to claim to have The Secret. I will say that I agree with two of the three ideas put forth here: Chit-chat is essential, and keeping your "world" open are essential. As for separate residences . . . sounds kinda sad to me.

I agree with you Mike. Separate homes don't sound like much of a marriage to me. If you need your own space that much you would probably be better off single.

No not separate homes...separate bedrooms and bathrooms in the same home. Separate bathrooms so you guys have one less thing to fight about. And separate bedrooms so you have a place to go when you want to be alone. If you don't like being alone once in awhile then ask yourself why.

I ended up on your website accidentally. Stayed because of what you wrote about your job/customers. made me very sad. Didn't stop to learn where you live, but I suspect that wherever you are, there are nicer places you could be, so if you get to where you can't stand it, there are probably options. Simplistic response, I know, but I can't stand the idea of people being so mean-spirited and thoughtless. I live in San Antonio...people don't seem so mean-spirited here (I've lived in seven countries on three continents). believe it or not, this is all actually related to the wedding bit...been married 19 years. My spouse is my best friend. We like each other. We do stuff together. We work in the same place. We have three beautiful children. We take each other seriously, so the idea of "straying" -- even if it were a temptation -- isn't worth it. Goes back to the mean-spirited thing. If you value kindness, staying married is natural. And contrary to what seems to be an accepted tenet of today's society, after 19 years it's still fun!

I hope your customers get nicer...

If you don't trust your partner, it's because you don't trust yourself.

great post. coming up on second anniversary and starting to realize that it IS indeed mostly about chit-chat.

My parents have been married for 33 years. They've had their ups and downs, but I can't imagine them apart.

I think your customer had it right - it's all about communication.

How SWEET and absolutely inspiring.

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